The Real Rules of Social Media Marketing Unmasked!

A blogger once wrote down some very well known or should I even say “Captain Obvious” rules of social media marketing. This is good for sure!

As I do not abide by any rules beside my own I remixed them so that you know what’s really going on in social media.

As I don’t even practice and preach marketing here I’d rather focus on social media usage as a whole. How to use social sites to popularize whatever you want?

Keep the original rules in mind and fasten your seat belts. It will be a ruff flight I promise. You might lose your intellectual baggage.

1. Enlarge your linkability. Be a real man! Size does matter! Enlarge your linkability by enlarging your site with a blog.

Then enlarge your blog by adding content daily! Then enlarge your blog with top 10 posts, “the secret of whatever” and hot chicks with [your product]!

2. Add at least a dozen buttons for social media. Come on! The more buttons the better.

Everybody can see how social you are and how many sites you do know. Of course everybody can see by the sheer number of them that you’re a real expert.

Social media users are so lazy they only share things they need just a click for.

3. Reward inbound links. When someone links to you, link her or him at least twice, share her or him on at least 3 social sites you are a user of.

When it’s a she and you are a man tell her you love her, when it’s him, tell him that his blog is greater, bigger and larger and you are just a piece of shit compared to him.

4. Throw your content at everyone and let it travel around the world. Or just wait until all the copycat bloggers and content scrapers take it and then refrain from suing them.

That’s almost enough! Let people translate your posts into at least 70 languages and conquer those markets afterwards.

5. Encourage the mashup. As in 4. just stop caring for your content and do not engage a lawyer.

6. Content is King Kong! Create the f*****g best quality content of the planet. Then tell the audience that your content is the f*****g best quality content of the planet.

Otherwise just do as the others do in 4 until you learn to create content like King Kong!

7. Reward users. Simply reply to comments. People are so alienated on the Net they will treat you like their brother or sister just for writing some lousy two liners.

8. Participate. Be omnipresent. Appear on all social networks and sites and befriend the same people everywhere. Stalk ’em at conferences, poke fun at them.

Send them your used panties! Make ’em feel that you’re their neighbour on the Internet.

9. Know how to target your audience. Do it like the Texans, set up a target and shoot! Use all kinds of weapons and calibers!

10. Create content. Not just any content, but content that will either make them puke or dance, content that will make’em call for help.

When you have no idea what to write about let the tabloids inspire you and use headlines like “two headed search engine optimizer eaten alive by baby alligator”.

11. Be hyperreal. Be yourself! Everybody is a superhero. Thus be hyperreal, be larger than life!

Picture yourself as a superhero and make up a superhero name for yourself, something like Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer!

12. Don’t forget where you came from. Remember that “going viral” sometimes means nothing more than “server down”.

Remember that you’re from planet earth where capitalism rules and paying 300$ extra server costs does not make you a superstar.

13. Try new things. Especially those 12 above. It’s not just about reading and laughing at Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer!

14. Develop a strategy. Your goal must be world domination! Being the number one in Google for whatever keyword. For instance one day I will be #1 on Google for SEO blog even before Matt Cutts.

I will also outrank this other guy who is the wizard of Moz or something. I ridicule him as long as he does not admit that I am the greatest SEO blogger of all times!

15. Choose your tactics randomly. 1% of people in social media are creating content, 9% will enrich the content and 90% of people are consuming the content, that is a lot of leverage.

Like the guy who is kin to the random fish, do what you like no matter what others say. This is the only way.

Poets, mad scientists and blogging superheros like Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer work that way!

16. Make social media part of your rants. Find ways to flatter or piss off social media with posts like “Flash sucks!” It really works. Been there, done that.

People will flood your server into oblivion. On the other hand you might prefer SEO 2.0 where you just stick to being friendly and useful (but it’s not as much fun).

This post ain’t funny by the way. It’s how it works on the Web now with social media (marketing) and SEO 2.0! Now you laugh but tomorrow Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer will get you!

Last updated: June 4th, 2018.