15 Ways of Disagreeing with Style
“I defeat my enemies when I make them my friends” – Dalai Lama.
Quite often I am subject to or part of heated debates online. Why?
My social SEO ideas are often perceived as radical in business circles.
On the other hand I don’t just talk business. I’m a human being first and foremost.
Thus I also sometimes call out people for questionable behavior.
Usually I just give feedback to people without being too critical.
Yet often they react as if I have personally attacked them.
So over the years I learned a lot about disagreeing with style while maintaining integrity.
Why Do People Get Angry Online so Often?
First off: who am I? I am in Internet publishing for over 20 years now.
Over the years I have done basically almost everything e.g.
- written about almost every topic
- tried almost every medium and tool
- contributed to multiple publications and communities
As a content and social media manager I encounter still the same problems.
People get angry at me for expressing opinions outside of the mainstream.
This negativity is partly due to the “nature” of the Internet itself and its alienation but a large part of it is people lacking basic social skills.
This sometimes even antisocial behavior is astonishing as most people I debate with are grown ups and often respectable business people.
During my first years online I still assumed that because I was a newbie or still very young people treated me accordingly.
It’s Not Always Your Fault When People Are Rude
By now I realized that it’s not my fault. I’m middle-aged and have a solid background of 15+ years as a social media specialist. Now I perceive rudeness as what it is.
Of course I’m not perfect myself. I still sometimes get annoyed when people make remarks or voice “opinions” that are
- anti-democratic
- racist
- sexist
- demeaning
and the likes. In real life they wouldn’t do it facing me.
Nonetheless I want to talk about real discussions here, not “flame wars”.
You need to be able to debate properly online to make sense as a blogger and social media contributor.
Disagreement is the foundation of evolving ideas.
Where everybody agrees everything has come to halt. It’s a standstill. This can’t be the goal. The goal is to move on and improve.
Basic Debating Techniques Everybody Needs to Know
Thus I compiled a list of 15 basic rules of disagreeing with style, an art which is not very widely spread on the Web right now it seems. When you disagree:
1. Disagree with opinions and ideas, not people.
2. Explain what you disagree with and why instead of sulking like a 5 year old kid or crying “no” again and again.
3. Be polite. Just because you think your opponent is wrong does not mean s/he is an “idiot” or worse.
4. Disagree directly where the debate takes place. Do not discredit people behind their backs in a place you think you got more support by your online buddies.
5. Wait. When you’re angry do not respond right away. Wait until the next day or “until the dust settles”. In case you’re only slightly agitated reply immediately.
6. Think. Do not write a two liner in a reply to a full-fledged analysis or thorough article. Take your time to read it thoroughly and to formulate a response.
7. Don’t bully. Do not engage in a mob action just because adding some remarks in the slipstream of others feels so much safer.
8. Read the article which started the discussion in the first place, do not just react to the third follow up.
9. Do not pretend to be objective. Only God is. People are only capable of being subjective. They’re always biased. Do not use phrases like “it’s generally known”.
10. Do not assume that customs from your home town or country apply to the rest of the world.
11. Overlook misspellings of your opponent and focus on the points she or he made, especially when you discuss with non-native speakers of English.
12. Be yourself. Use your real name and link to your website to establish authority and trust.
13. Do not question the authority of your opponents by citing things they did or said out of the context of the disagreement, unless they are serial offenders.
14. Question your opinion. Remember it applies to your own experience. Your opponent has probably a differing experience. Just because you didn’t do or see it yet does not mean it does not exist or it’s not true.
15. Be present. Do not try to convince somebody by relying on tradition “we always do that” or the majority “everybody knows that”. New ideas are never mainstream at the beginning.
That said I welcome you to disagree with me in a civilized manner. Just because we disagree we do not have to go to war.
Use these basic debating techniques and link to this list so that your online opponents also know about them.
Yeah, this should be a place of healthy discussion. After all, we are here to learn about each others techniques in bringing in traffic. Contrary opinion should not be treated like burning witches on the stake.
I’d have to disagree with a couple points that you said.
Actually I don’t, I find a big problem with people disagreeing and starting arguments is that they often hide behind anonymity. When people don’t say who they are they aren’t worried about the consequences of what they say.
Great post.
Great article, I would add, “re-read the article a few times before you formulate a reply.” Very often we only see what we want to see on the first pass and then see what was really said on the second or third.
100% right on the money Tad! What a great idea for a post! Cudos.
This is a great article, and I agree 100% with everything…
but, still… Sometimes I am going to get mad and while i hope it doesn’t show up in a reply it probably does. (like in real life)
so, I’m wondering what would be so wrong with just everybody letting it all hang out and honest with what they feel instead of chewing on the “mad” and trying to produce “nice”
Maybe they should have “honesty day” and see if the number of heart attacks and suicides don’t decrease??
I strongly disagree with most of what you have written here. Sharp opinion and emotion are entirely appropriate for human beings, and when they are expressed with wit and accuracy so much the better.
An ad hominem attack by a truly perceptive person is worth a thousand diplomatic disagreements.
What is offensive is not a lack of social skills in intelligent people, but a lack of intelligence in ordinary people. An idiot who misses the point while filling the air with platitudes and being reasonable is every bit as bad as some teenager typing “pownd” in all capital letters.
I would say instead “Be ashamed of your ignorance and work like hell to cover it up by reading as much of other peoples wisdom as you can find, and then speak clearly and passionately from your heart.”
If you need a list of rules to keep from making an ass of yourself maybe you should just get out more.
James
david: In fact if this here was a forum you would be moderaor.
Adam: I’ve noticed that too. People are afraid to voice their opinions when they’re not anonymous.
bob: I think it comes down to the question if your are dishonest when you refrain from being angry. As I said I think there are many cases where you getting angry is the only logical reaction. On the other hand rage makes you err, so you can’t trust yourself anymore in many cases.
Thanks Jeff: That’s one of my survival techniques, get inspired by anything, defeat, anger, loss.
Thanks James, good point. I’m with you regarding emotion. Of course it’s part of being human, probably the most important one.
Nonetheless you’re not a complete human being online. You’re just a few lines of text. You will most often fail to show positive emotions like love or compassion as the medium itself is the message here.
The Internet itself is inhuman as it disconnects you from other human beings and limits you to a two dimensional screen. Thus expressing anger, carelessness, distance is easy while you can’t show emotions associated with being close. They are expressed by touching others or smiling.
Of course real physical anger also fails. In real life you would end up beaten up after the first or second flame.
People are losing the skill of diplomacy. Writing a successful retort is more than just slinging some mud at your opponent. To be truly successful, you need to craft a well thought out message.
There is no excuse for making an ad hominem attack, unless the person is saying something that goes beyond to bounds of decency. Ad hominem attacks are a sign of ignorance. It says to me that you are not intelligent enough to form a persuasive, reasoned argument.
When writing persuasively and online, remember that your goal should be to influence you readers, not amuse yourself. Otherwise, just keep your opinion to yourself.
This article is close to how to do copywriting.
Maybe it should be taken into consideration.
I agree.
But the people who need this article will probably not bother reading it, while those reading it are probably already careful of how they behave online.
I have a blog called “Raves and Rants”. I made it in response to our homeowners association as a place for people to have freedom to speak their views and to share information. What actually happened though was something so vicious and ugly that it split the neighborhood instead of uniting them. I thought that giving people a platform for First Amendment Rights was a good thing, but by people using anonymity it was a train wreck waiting to happen.
I had to pull some entries and comments because of the abusive way people were treating each other. The reason I am posting this is because I read your 15 rules of disagreeing and think it should give people some kind of parameter for posting onto my blog. I’d like to give Raves and Rants another try. I put it on an entry with a link back to this page. If that is a problem, I will remove it. If not, thank you. I hope it helps to return some common sense and civility to our community.
Point number 5 is something I now force myself to do. Some time ago, in my fury about a post, I belted out a response (all the while stamping my feet and saying horrible words – sort of like number 2) and hit submit…
Big mistake – huge.
A week later, someone told me to search Goog under my name, and wow -there was my rant, my whinge. How dopey did I feel?
If for no other reason than self preservation – choose words well when you wish to disagree. Especially when it is a subject you are passionate about – wait a little while…
Sadly, as JFB points out, the people that know this stuff are reading these types of posts, and those who don’t – aren’t. So if you haven’t stumbled this, please do!
Better yet, do a summary on your blog and point to this–spread the word. With more voices more ears will be reached.
After all, isn’t that what the blogosphere is about?
Tad, I have to admit that I sometimes find your style a little over the top, but I really respect what you said here. I completely agree that we need to learn to be able to debate ideas (and it’s alright if that gets heated sometimes) without attacking people.
I would disagree with the “Use your real name” part. I don’t think that matters. Other than that, it’s a great list.
Thank you all for your reaction disregarding whether you agree or not. I feel encouraged to do more self-improvement posts like this in the future.
Of course you can edit, re-use and spread this guidelines!
Awesome! This is something I can really put into action.
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